Tuesday, June 10, 2008

An Open Letter to George Clooney (in the form of Stan Lee's infamous Marvel Bullpen Bulletins)

ITEM! Great gregarious greetings, Gorgeous GEORGE CLOONEY! By now, I’m sure you’ve heard the noisily notable news of this year’s biggest, most bombastic, superific hit of the silver screen, the cinematic debut of a certain gold and red iron-clad avenger, the irresistibly Invincible IRON MAN! Then again, being twice voted the “sexiest man alive” (where was my placing, I most humbly have to wonder?), perhaps you’ve been too busy, tanning your ten million dollar toes poolside, in all your popular pimpin’ playboy splendor. Well, Georgie Boy, let me tell you, the marvelous minions, from coast to shining coast, are literally going lunatic, lapping up Rip-roaring ROBERT DOWNY Jr. in his career-changing role as millionaire inventor, industrialist Tony Stark (Momma Stark’s mustachioed pride and joy). This dandy little picture show has already raked in a cool two hundred and ninety million buckaroos! And that’s just the sauce around the beans, effendi, because everybody’s green-skinned gamma-gilded giant is next, followed by a whole healthy helping of four-color goodies (doth someone sayeth Asgard?), culminating in an epic only Camera-wieldin’ CECIL B. DEMILLE could have conceived. That’s right, my aggressively attractive Armani armadillo, the AVENGERS themselves will be assembling at a theater near you, just a few short summers from now! It’s a complete and utter Marvel Universe lovefest out there, Georgie, one a wise and savvy Hollywood auteur like yourself should be a part of. No, I’m not, in all my humble cunning casting capacity, suggesting that you doff your Ralph Lauren for a tight-fitting bodysuit (though I gotta say you’d make a terrific Nighthawk). No, friend, what I’m suggesting is you turn your keen directing skills in the direction of this accelerated adrenal action and tell the story everyone in America is going to be clamoring for. That’s right, I’m talking about the Marvel Story itself, the overwhelmingly outta-site origin of the omnipresent HOUSE OF IDEAS! Of course, this is a tale centering around one Stanley Martin Lieber, STAN “THE MAN” LEE to all his true believers. Trust me, Georgie, Stan Lee’s made for the big screen, he’s a flamboyant, eccentric, linguistic, ego-rich milkshake, equal parts Pugnacious P.T. BARNUM, Horny HUGH HEFNER, and Bookish BILL MOYERS. You’ve already proven yourself with such intelligently insightful and energetically entertaining documents of our country’s media culture as Good Night, and Good Luck and Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, just think what you could do with this super-sourced slice of American publishing history. Picture Lee’s rise as the verbose public face of Marvel Comics in the early 1960s, surrounded by a cast of groundbreaking genre geniuses and elusive eccentric energumen like Jolly JACK KIRBY (the absent-minded, delusional WWII vet with visions of inner-space), Shy STEVE DITKO (the reclusive, paranoid master of creepy thought and comment), and Jaunty JIM STERANKO (the suave, avant-garde ladies man), whom he sold to a generation of young readers as “the Merry Marvel Bullpen”. Now imagine his pop-art histrionics of the late 60s and early 70s, when he and Marvel were the toast of colleges and the news media, embraced by painters, rock stars and Playboy magazine, Lee himself prancing about the country like a Woodstock-flavored Peter Pan, flaunting his perpetually-groomed porn star moustache and onerously-open shirts. You’d find yourself behind the camera of a hugely entertaining, strange, and funny fable, one that made household names of Iron Man, Spider Man, The Incredible Hulk, The Fantastic Four, and The X-Men, to name a few. But, that’s not all, for locked within this pleasantly perfect pompous parade of pop culture hoopla, fanned by Lee’s supremely sensational shrill salesmanship, would be the real story, that of the secret struggles and all-too-human aspirations of the artists and personalities involved in this “marvelous” mayhem, the lives carried, and buried, by the monstrously manic company hyperbole, most pointedly the equally respectful and rancorous relationship twixt Lee and Kirby, the prince of patter oft clashing with the king of comics, the senses-sizzling sparks they generate giving the unsuspecting world a visionary plethora of punch-ready protagonists and pulse-pounding plots! As for historical authenticity, you would be wise to play it as loosely as Lee’s own infamous writes and rants, dropping more ingenious innuendo and salacious supposition than the master of modern myth himself, drawing in such peers of popular personage as Artful ANDY WARHOL, Preening PAUL McCARTNEY, Far-out FEDERICO FELLINI, and Krazy KEITH MOON, all who were affiliated with, or enthusiastically affected by, the Marvel legend. So, Georgie, my boy, what do you say? Are you going to let such a unique chapter of our country’s cultural identity pass you by? Or are you going to grab the no-prize and see that this simply searing story is captivatingly captured for generations of true believers to come? The choice is yours! Let’s do lunch and discuss! EXCELSIOR!

ITEM! THE HOUSE OF IDEAS, the upcoming film based on the early years of the Marvel Comics Company, to be produced and directed by Gorgeous GEORGE CLOONEY, has just announced its leading cast and, boy, is it a doozy! Set your Mighty Marvel peepers on this list, pilgrims:
Smilin’ STAN LEE – Joltin’ JOHNNY DEPP (the
only rationale choice)
Jolly JACK KIRBY – Wincin’ WILLIAM H. MACY (near perfect casting, I’d say)
Shy STEVE DITKO – Slippery STEVE BUSCEMI (who does “uneasy” any better?)
Jaunty JIM STERANKO – Likable LEONARDO DICAPRIO (a moustache, a turtle neck)
Jazzy JOHN ROMITA – Jocular JASON BATEMAN (goofy smile, rolled-up sleeves)
Swingin’ SAM ROSEN – Simperin’ SETH MEYERS (is that not the face of a letterer?)
Happy HERB TRIMPE – Nerdy NEIL PATRICK HARRIS (he’s got the Hulk’s forehead)
Merry MARIE SEVERIN – Heavenly HELENA BONHAM CARTER (the dark, inky eyes)
Fabulous FLO STEINBERG – Minxy MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL (one word –
Artful ANDY WARHOL – Carrot-topped CONAN OBRIEN (he can stoop to conquer)
Preening PAUL McCARTNEY – Preening PAUL McCARTNEY (you
still look 21, Paul!)
Far-out FEDERICO FELLINI – Jumpy JIM BELUSHI (trust me on this one – I think)
Krazy KEITH MOON – Malleable MIKE MYERS (he’s already worn the English teeth)
Horny HUGH HEFNER – Smilin’ STAN LEE (it’s practically in the bag!)

ITEM! The above-mentioned film concept, THE HOUSE OF IDEAS, has been submitted in writing to the Screen Writers Guild of America and is therefore a protected creative property of the author of this blog, Comic, J.W.E. Any usage or misappropriation of said concept will result in a team of supremely-gifted lawyers descending upon your house, legal briefs in hand, ready to practice the ancient litigious arts they learned while studying at the Acrimonious ART BUCHWALD School of Courtroom Proceedings. ‘NUFF SAID!