Monday, April 28, 2008

How The Hulk Got Me on the Radio or Dear Hulk, I Love You, But Maybe This Whole Thing Just Isn’t Working

I love you, Hulk.
     I love how easily you smash through the divisional barriers of our “puny media”.

love you, Hulk.

love how you bound from the blogging epicenter of Boing Boing, to the far reaches of Pacific Northwest talk radio, your seismic leaps upsetting all reason, giving audience to the simple story of Wendy Wilson, a shy, thirteen year-old boy’s comic book siren.

really love you, Hulk.

really love how you force me to perpetuate the grammatically clumsy “got me” theme to yet another post title, how your noisy internet rampage has found the ear of Seattle’s KIRO 710 AM, and Jennifer Andrews and Luke Burbank (is that your real name, Luke?), the folks behind Too Beautiful To Live, the nightly, 7-10 buffet of culture and whimsy. Do you realize they're crazy enough to have me on the air throughout this week, at 7:30, telling, once again, our cheap tale of newsprint debauchery, the sordid love triangle of a boy, a girl, and a gamma-poisoned monster. OK, sorry, I meant “misunderstood” gamma-poisoned monster.

     I think, Hulk, I think that I might actually be falling
in love with you.


     Are you listening to me? That “in” is really important. Do you know what it means? It means I’m going to start making
demands of you, Hulk, it – it means I need you to be attentive, it means I need you to stop seeing Wendy Wilson.


     Don’t you
dare pick up that backyard, Hulk, I just MOWED it!
     Look, Hulk, I’m WAY over Wendy, her black eyes, her black hair, her slim, lovely shape, she’s just a meal ticket now, big guy, a beautiful, exotic, brown-limbed (stay with me, I’m still working under that assumption) meal ticket that’s going to make us FAMOUS. Honest she is.
Hmm? Oh – right – well, OK – so
you’re already kind of famous. What’s that? Which one of us doesn’t have a multi-million dollar movie coming out later this summer? Oh, nice, Hulk, way to GO, making a thirteen year-old kid feel like a miserable wastrel of society. Good job you don’t have any kids, you insensitive, radioactive, upright, bipedal spinach farm! I love you!

     Seriously, Hulk, Wendy's going to make you even more famous, she’ll make you forget all about having to share a trailer with Edward Norton, I promise she will.


     I didn’t mean what I said about preferring it when you become Bruce Banner, really, I swear I didn’t. Doesn’t the fact that I never answered Wendy Wilson’s letter mean
anything to you? What does Wendy have that’s so great anyway? Bracelets? Necklaces? Her “Gibbs Brother’s” records? Come on, Hulk, she’s just using you anyway, I hope you realize that.

     What was that?

     You think
I’m using you? Hah! You make me laugh, you really do. You know what? I don’t need this kind of treatment. Go back to your 30¢ hovel, you great, green galoot – I’m finished with this whole affair!
     Well, almost. First I’ve got to polish my impressive speaking voice for tonight’s “big show”. I think this Jennifer lady kind of likes me. No,
seriously, she does.

Love Always - Jeremy

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